Father Of The Bride Problem Is Solved..

Today I can relax. As much as is possible while minding a fifteen month old who has discovered how cupboards open. But still compared to yesterday I am practically serene. Eleven year old son turned up yesterday at 3.30pm on the dot having managed the first day at secondary school despite his obvious nerves. I'd never seen him so touchy as he was in the morning, even when I moved both the older kids to their new school two years ago following my divorce, before the small one was even thought of and when lovely fiance was still lovely boyfriend. They both coped so well with all the upheaval while I beat myself up daily at what I was putting them through. But it seems the prospect of the huge secondary school after his village primary was a far more scary prospect to him. Or perhaps it is just that he is that much older and able to worry more like an adult. (Not sure I like that really, although it must be inevitable).

The other big stress of yesterday was the venue meeting for our wedding next month. But having spent an hour with the hotel manager ironing out all the details of our day, I came away totally confident that even if it doesn't run smoothly we will still have a fab time. He didn't bat an eyelid at the number of children in our party and made it sound like he organises these things every day. I guess he probably does. Best of all he made a suggestion which has made me feel better about the one secret upset I've had about my wedding day.

My lovely father died two years ago very suddenly of liver cancer, and while I am generally used to it now, I still feel a massive gap where he should be at certain times. A constant one of these times is whenever I look at my smallest daughter and know how much he would have adored her, and she him. But with the wedding coming ever closer I find I miss him for the role he would have taken, and the reason I am secretive about it is because I can't help but remember him on my first wedding day - how he made me feel calmer, how proud he was - and my first wedding day is really not a subject I could ever visit with lovely fiance without being incredibly insensitive and crass.

Instead I have made my feelings known in a less mature fashion, basically by being a pain about bits of the proceedings that would have involved Dad. I have insisted that eleven year old son give me away, for example, despite the fact that he really isn't keen on the idea and would rather sit in the background. I have chosen him because he is the one person who couldn't be construed as a father figure but who is also a close male relative. The bigger issue though, is being driven to the ceremony. At my first wedding my father waited alone with me in my parents' front room for the white rolls royce we'd hired. He poured me a sweet sherry and told me that was what my Mum's father had done for her on her own wedding day. He was so nervous about walking me down the aisle. Those few minutes we waited were some of the sweetest of my life. I have been adamant that I don't want anyone else to drive me to the venue to marry lovely fiance. Lovely fiance is mystified by this, and insists that the idea of me driving myself in the peugeot 207 in full wedding outfit when I could be driven by his own father in his ribbon-bedecked porsche is ludicrous. For lovely fiance it is all about the car. He doesn't see that I don't want his dad taking my dad's place in even the tiniest of ways.

The fabulous venue manager has solved this problem unknowingly and effortlessly by offering me the honeymoon suite from the day before the wedding right through until the day after. I can take all my garb to the hotel, drive myself and elder daughter there wearing jeans and t-shirt, and get dressed on the premises without having a moment where my father should be and isn't. For this I am so grateful. And the only thing I have to put out of my mind is how much Dad would have approved of the free bar and remember that where he is, all the drinks are free.

Happier post tomorrow, I feel.