The Non-Surgical, Non-Cosmetic Makeover

Lovely fiance and I went shopping in Bath at the weekend. Two reasons for this, one was to collect lovely fiance's wedding ring, which was initially too large and needed altering. The other is that elder daughter and son are still away in Spain and the opportunity to shop without them was too good to miss. Much as I love them both I have no desire to trawl around Game shops for cut price Playstation 3 games, and then should a suitable game be found and purchased put up with eleven-year-old son's ongoing requests for updates as to when we will be going home. Once his mission is accomplished he loses all interest (I hope this isn't a trait that will carry on into adult life.) Nine-year-old daughter loves to shop but can be relied upon for challenging my taste in suitable clothes for her up to the point where an argument is inevitable, and we all end up returning home in savage moods.

Anyway, lovely fiance and I, with toddler in tow, duly collected his wedding ring and then prepared to do a spot of shopping, and he lost no time in dragging me into Currys to look at cameras. Now we already have a few-months-old perfectly good camera, bought in the Christmas sales, which has the ability to produce excellent pictures. However despite my protestations that we really don't need another camera in our life, it soon became clear that lovely fiance had his heart set on a smaller pocket-size camera for the more impromptu candid snapshots when out and about. I had to agree that our camera is quite bulky and does demand some forethought when going out (firstly to remember to bring it and secondly who is to be lumbered with carrying it). Still, it did seem like a bit of an unnecessary purchase when balanced against my ever-increasing wedding budget.

But how glad I now am that lovely fiance stormed ahead and bought the thing! On getting it home and trying it out, lovely fiance discovers that this camera has something called a 'Beauty' mode. We are initially mystified as to what this could mean (lovely fiance is one of those people who never reads instruction booklets, he prefers to feel his way around the product until it refuses to perform correctly). However, when lovely fiance does a 'before' and 'after' shot of me with this function first switched off and then on, I am dumbstruck by the results!

In the first shot I look old and haggard, every wrinkle, line and bag highlighted by the daylight flooding through the kitchen window. I can't even blame the fact that I'm wearing no makeup or have just got up, as it's in the middle of the day and I have a full face of slap on. But when at the click of a button we look at the next shot, the difference is unbelievable! I look like I've stepped off the set of one of those L'Oreal adverts. My skin glows, any uneven skin tone or redness has been ironed out. Wrinkles have disappeared and my eyes sparkle. I am rendered temporarily speechless. Quickly regaining my composure I force lovely fiance to take lots more pictures of me in various poses. In each one the same thing - I look radiant and ten years younger with no kids! (I will post a before/after shot on here at some point when lovely fiance has felt his way around the camera enough to find out how you download pictures from it, and then you will see what I mean).

Finding the magical quality of the gadget hard to believe, we take the camera to lovely fiance's mum's house the following day and try it out again. The results are truly amazing. Lovely fiance's mum looks glossy and airbrushed, like she's spent the weekend at a luxury spa and has then had her makeup professionally applied. The camera is passed around in awe.

That evening I instruct lovely fiance that all future photographs of me are to be taken only on this camera in the 'Beauty' mode, especially those of me on my wedding day. It is only later that it occurs to me a depressing pattern is emerging here. It seems I have passed the milestone at which I need rely only on a bit of makeup to get me looking half decent. In order to look my best now I am having to depend on external inventions such as magic knickers (see my earlier posts) and now photographic technology. Where will it end?

The Wedding Dress Diet Plan Peaks Too Early

With ten weeks to go until I need to look like a goddess I find that the diet/fitness plan I embarked on with enthusiasm and determination is losing its charm. I began six weeks ago after buying my wedding gown on a basis which I had sworn (both times around, incidentally) that I never would - knowing that its magical ability to transform me into the perfect bride is dependent upon my losing half a stone.

Don't get me wrong - the dress fits me well enough and it looked fine when I tried it on in Ghost. It is clearly an evening gown rather than a wedding dress (I picked it out in a nod to the fact that a full-on virginal white wedding number might invoke a few laughs among my guests, in light of the fact that I am to be preceded into the ballroom where our ceremony is to take place by my three children, two of whom are from my previous marriage). But it is still beautiful, elegant and suited to the occasion, in a deep vanilla cream colour. However...looking fine just doesn't cut the mustard when all eyes are going to be on me from all angles for the best part of a day. In order to really do it justice and most importantly for me to feel like I look great, there is no way around it, I need to lose those last seven pounds of baby weight that have stubbornly stayed put for the last fourteen months.

My diet plan is simple and is one I picked up with a quick Google on 'lose a stone in a month'. Basically I eat my normal toast for breakfast, then I have a wholemeal bun with a slice of chicken for lunch and some carrot sticks at 3 pm. I also do 20 minutes on the Wii Fit once a day. I figured that if do this and just eat a smallish portion of whatever we are all having for dinner, I can then have a glass of wine in the evening and even some chocolate buttons and still come in under the calorie limit for the day. And so far it has worked! Three weeks in I had lost four pounds and was beside myself with smugness. How easy it was! By then I'd got used to not snacking throughout the day as was my previous habit, and I didn't really mind the grim lunch and carrot sticks as long as I didn't have to give up my daily glass of wine.

But now I find it begins to unravel. I have now lost five pounds and seem to be stuck at that point. Over the last two weekends I have put on at least two pounds and then had to spend Monday and Tuesday getting that back off before I can progress. The Wii Fit told me smugly this morning that I 'failed to reach my goal' and perhaps a 'more realistic goal' should be set. The food is starting to become boring and lovely fiance's constant bag of Haribo in the cupboard is beginning to make me obsess. I realise I have peaked too early.

Today I face facts. I have a friend with four children under seven (how does she do it?) who recommends magic knickers for instant transformation without the grief. I confess I have bought a pair which look unrealistically small, like a pair of flesh coloured leggings for my fourteen-month-old daughter. I have heaved myself into them and tried on the gown, and I swear a miracle has taken place. Wobbly bits are smoother, chunky bits are lifted and I have the tummy I had before I became a mother! In the wedding gown I look as I knew I would do after losing the half stone, but without actually having to achieve it. Problem solved!

And then I remember the wedding night. These scary things are passion killers in the strongest sense. Therefore I am left with three choices:

1. I look like a goddess throughout the day and then at a late stage when everyone is too drunk to notice that everything has suddenly drooped, I change into sexy bra/knickers/stockings combo in preparation for bedtime.

2. I continue with the diet plan and just wear the sexy underwear for the whole day (I would feel smug in the extreme if I could achieve this!).

Or 3. (and I cannot help wondering if this should be some kind of compulsory test for the newlywed husband of their commitment and love for you) I wear just the magic knickers, look fabulous and feel great all day, and then hope he doesn't mind them at bedtime. Hmmmm...