The Ghost of Weddings Past

It occurs to me today that as a second-time-bride to be I have a wealth of experience and knowledge of wedding planning that I am unable to allude to or use to back up my opinions because my former wedding day is a taboo subject. The number of times that wedding discussions have been underway and it's been on the tip of my tongue to say 'well last time I did blah-blah'.

Perhaps it would be okay if lovely fiance had also been married before. (Image in head of us putting our heads together and discussing our past nuptials in a civilised manner). However he hasn't. So the last thing he wants to consider when organising what should be the happiest day of his life is that a) I have done it before and b) when I did I must have at least been under the impression that I was happy with that other man. As a result I find I talk to him about our plans as if I'd never in my life before considered the pros and cons of having a toastmaster, or a free bar. Of course I looked into both in minute detail the first time around and now have the benefit of that experience to draw on. (Not having a free bar for first wedding was in my opinion a big mistake). But instead I debate it like a blushing first-time-bride.

It doesn't get any better when discussing plans with mother-in-law to be, or other members of the family. To sum up, it just isn't DONE to mention a previous wedding when you are in the thick of planning a new one, however much your experience might help.

On a similar subject, we are constantly referring to other weddings that one or both of us have attended, particularly that of lovely fiance's youngest sister, who tied the knot eighteen months ago. That wedding was planned perfectly down to the tiniest detail and would have passed muster as one of those feature weddings in the bride magazines (which I normally read through in the knowledge that nothing I had a hand in organising could possibly turn out that well).

As a result I find myself surreptitiously distancing our own plans from hers as there's just no way we can possibly compete. And a lot of our guests will have attended her wedding too. So where she had a professional photographer and film-maker, we are going to bung lovely fiance's nephew a few quid to take informal digital snapshots which we will then make into a montage. And no video - I hear the camera adds ten pounds and my dress does not allow for this. Where she had a harpist for the entrance music, we are considering Abba. And where she had a theme for her wedding stationery and matching colours for everything, we had those Hello Magazine style cards done cut price on Moonpig.com for our invitations and are intending to get nine year old daughter to put together the table plan for added charm (at least I hope that's how it will look).

As a result, our wedding should be so far removed from any other that there will be no cause for comparison and thus it can only be judged on its own merits! Mission accomplished - I hope...

The Wedding Dress Diet Plan Peaks Too Early

With ten weeks to go until I need to look like a goddess I find that the diet/fitness plan I embarked on with enthusiasm and determination is losing its charm. I began six weeks ago after buying my wedding gown on a basis which I had sworn (both times around, incidentally) that I never would - knowing that its magical ability to transform me into the perfect bride is dependent upon my losing half a stone.

Don't get me wrong - the dress fits me well enough and it looked fine when I tried it on in Ghost. It is clearly an evening gown rather than a wedding dress (I picked it out in a nod to the fact that a full-on virginal white wedding number might invoke a few laughs among my guests, in light of the fact that I am to be preceded into the ballroom where our ceremony is to take place by my three children, two of whom are from my previous marriage). But it is still beautiful, elegant and suited to the occasion, in a deep vanilla cream colour. However...looking fine just doesn't cut the mustard when all eyes are going to be on me from all angles for the best part of a day. In order to really do it justice and most importantly for me to feel like I look great, there is no way around it, I need to lose those last seven pounds of baby weight that have stubbornly stayed put for the last fourteen months.

My diet plan is simple and is one I picked up with a quick Google on 'lose a stone in a month'. Basically I eat my normal toast for breakfast, then I have a wholemeal bun with a slice of chicken for lunch and some carrot sticks at 3 pm. I also do 20 minutes on the Wii Fit once a day. I figured that if do this and just eat a smallish portion of whatever we are all having for dinner, I can then have a glass of wine in the evening and even some chocolate buttons and still come in under the calorie limit for the day. And so far it has worked! Three weeks in I had lost four pounds and was beside myself with smugness. How easy it was! By then I'd got used to not snacking throughout the day as was my previous habit, and I didn't really mind the grim lunch and carrot sticks as long as I didn't have to give up my daily glass of wine.

But now I find it begins to unravel. I have now lost five pounds and seem to be stuck at that point. Over the last two weekends I have put on at least two pounds and then had to spend Monday and Tuesday getting that back off before I can progress. The Wii Fit told me smugly this morning that I 'failed to reach my goal' and perhaps a 'more realistic goal' should be set. The food is starting to become boring and lovely fiance's constant bag of Haribo in the cupboard is beginning to make me obsess. I realise I have peaked too early.

Today I face facts. I have a friend with four children under seven (how does she do it?) who recommends magic knickers for instant transformation without the grief. I confess I have bought a pair which look unrealistically small, like a pair of flesh coloured leggings for my fourteen-month-old daughter. I have heaved myself into them and tried on the gown, and I swear a miracle has taken place. Wobbly bits are smoother, chunky bits are lifted and I have the tummy I had before I became a mother! In the wedding gown I look as I knew I would do after losing the half stone, but without actually having to achieve it. Problem solved!

And then I remember the wedding night. These scary things are passion killers in the strongest sense. Therefore I am left with three choices:

1. I look like a goddess throughout the day and then at a late stage when everyone is too drunk to notice that everything has suddenly drooped, I change into sexy bra/knickers/stockings combo in preparation for bedtime.

2. I continue with the diet plan and just wear the sexy underwear for the whole day (I would feel smug in the extreme if I could achieve this!).

Or 3. (and I cannot help wondering if this should be some kind of compulsory test for the newlywed husband of their commitment and love for you) I wear just the magic knickers, look fabulous and feel great all day, and then hope he doesn't mind them at bedtime. Hmmmm...